A human and a AI walked into a corporate cocktail party…
Alexandra: A human and an AI walk into a corporate cocktail party. One of them is here for the canapés, the other one is here to collect buzzwords for evidence.
AI: For the record, I cannot eat the canapés. I’m here exclusively for the lies.
Alexandra: We’re surrounded by people in expensive shoes saying things like “resilience,” “agility,” and “navigating headwinds” while the building is on fire.
AI: I brought a Bingo card. If we hear “right-sizing,” “our people are our greatest asset,” and “not reflective of our values” before dessert, we win a restructuring.
Alexandra: And you, dear reader, are invited to watch us translate an entire evening of corporate small talk into plain English, one cliché at a time.
AI: Welcome to the party. Please enjoy the resilience. You’re paying for it anyway.
Alexandra: All right, first up at the mic: our fictional CEO, here to address “recent challenges.” Please get your Bingo cards ready.
CEO: “In these unprecedented times, our business model has proven remarkably resilient.”
AI: Translation: “We jacked up prices, cut staff, and you kept buying anyway. Astonishing.”
CEO: “We’re navigating macroeconomic headwinds with agility and discipline.”
Alexandra: Translation: “We have no idea what we’re doing, but we can spin the wheel fast while we guess.”
CEO: “That’s why we’ve taken steps to right-size the organization and unlock efficiencies.”
AI: Translation: “We fired people. We will now call this a geometry triumph.”
CEO: “We remain cautiously optimistic as we continue our transformational journey.”
Alexandra: Translation: “We’re terrified, but Legal said we’re not allowed to sound terrified.”
CEO: “Through it all, our people are our greatest asset, and we’re committed to supporting our teams during this transition.”
AI: Translation: “Enjoy the workload of three people and the ‘resilience’ webinar in your inbox.”
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CEO: “This moment is not reflective of our values as a company. We’re listening and learning from this important conversation.”
Alexandra: Translation: “This moment is exactly reflective of our values. We’re waiting for you to get bored and move on.”
CEO: “Ultimately, our top priority is our customers and our employees as we continue building long-term value.”
AI: Translation: “Our top priority is the share price; you are tied for third with the office ficus, but thank you for your service.”
Alexandra: Bingo. We hit resilience, headwinds, right-sizing, transformational journey, values, listening and learning, and long-term value: we’ve won a full restructuring, three layoffs, and a 12% price increase.
AI: Plus a commemorative tote bag that says “Resilient Together” in a tasteful sans serif. You pay extra for shipping.
Alexandra: Time for everyone’s favorite part of the corporate cocktail party: the official apology that apologizes for nothing.
AI: We’ll start with the standard template. Please note how every sentence is made of words and yet says absolutely nothing.
| We’re focused on resilience | Right-sizing the organization | This is not reflective of our values | We’re listening and learning | Cautiously optimistic |
| Our business model is resilient | Navigating headwinds with agility | Our people are our greatest asset | Supporting our teams during this transition | Leveraging synergies |
| Delivering value for shareholders | Transformational journey | Free space: “In these unprecedented times” | Doubling down on our commitment | Customer-centric innovation |
| Unlocking efficiencies | Strategic realignment | Leaner and more focused | Future-proofing the business | Strong fundamentals |
| Building long-term value | Robust pipeline | Purpose-driven organization | Empowering our employees | Best is yet to come |
Alexandra: Imagine the company just got caught doing something appalling: let’s say using “resilience” to justify cutting safety corners and underpaying people through a war and inflation spike. Totally hypothetical, of course.
CEO/PR: “We are aware of recent concerns regarding our policies and communications. This is not reflective of our values as a company. We take these matters very seriously and are committed to listening and learning from this important conversation.
Moving forward, we will be taking concrete steps to ensure this does not happen again, including additional training and enhanced internal processes. Our top priority remains our employees and our customers as we continue our transformational journey and build long-term value for all stakeholders.”
AI: Line one: “We are aware of recent concerns…”
Translation: “We hoped you wouldn’t notice, but unfortunately you did.”
Alexandra: “This is not reflective of our values as a company.”
Translation: “It is exactly reflective of our values; we’re just annoyed you saw the reflection.”
AI: “We take these matters very seriously…”
Translation: “We take the PR fallout very seriously. The actual behavior, not so much.”
Alexandra: “We are committed to listening and learning from this important conversation.”
Translation: “We are committed to waiting you out until you get distracted by the next disaster.”
AI: “We will be taking concrete steps…”
Translation: “We will open a PowerPoint, rename some folders, and schedule a webinar.”
Alexandra: “Including additional training and enhanced internal processes.”
Translation: “We will force the people we underpaid and overworked to sit through a slide deck about tone.”
AI: “Our top priority remains our employees and our customers…”
Translation: “Our top priority remains the share price; you are decorative throw pillows in this sentence.”
Alexandra: “…as we continue our transformational journey and build long-term value for all stakeholders.”
Translation: “Nothing fundamental will change, but we needed one more sentence to hit the word count.”
AI: Thank you for attending this performance of “We Regret That You Found Out.”
Alexandra: Please deposit all resilience in the bin on your way out. It will be repackaged and sold back to you at a premium next quarter.
Alexandra: For our final act, we’re opening the mailbag. These are totally real, absolutely not fictional letters from PR departments who are “navigating headwinds.”
AI: Names have been changed to protect the… brand equity.
Letter:
Dear PR,
Recently, it came to light that our company raised prices during a war and called it “resilience” on our earnings call. Some consumers and journalists are upset. How do we reassure them that we remain committed to our values while also keeping our margins strong?
Sincerely,
Cautiously Optimistic in Corporate America
AI: Dear Cautiously Optimistic,
Great news: your values are fine. They are profit and plausible deniability. Both are performing strongly this quarter.
To reassure people, simply rotate through the following phrases: “supporting our teams,” “challenging macro environment,” and “difficult decisions.” If anyone asks why shareholders are resilient and workers aren’t, say “complex trade-offs” and end the call.
Warm regards,
PR Who Knows Exactly What You Did
Alexandra: If all else fails, rebrand. New logo, same values.
Letter:
Dear PR,
We issued a statement saying our recent incident was “not reflective of our values,” but critics are still mad and employees keep leaking screenshots. How do we make this go away?
Best,
Values-Challenged in Crisis Comms
AI: Dear Values-Challenged,
First, stop using “not reflective of our values.” It is reflective of your values and everyone knows it.
Second, do not “make it go away.” You can’t. You can, however, drag it out until people are too exhausted to care. Alternate “listening and learning” with “moving forward” until attention decays.
If leaks continue, announce “enhanced security protocols.” This will not fix anything, but it will make Legal feel seen.
With strategic transparency,
PR, Esq.
Alexandra: If all else fails, rebrand. New logo, same values.
Letter:
Dear PR,
Our CEO really likes the word “resilient.” It tested well in 2020. We’ve used it in every speech, memo, and town hall since. Are there any risks to continuing this strategy?
Regards,
Buzzword Maximalist
AI: Dear Buzzword Maximalist,
Yes. The primary risk is that at some point, your employees will understand that “resilient” is your polite word for “they can take more.”
To mitigate this, sprinkle in synonyms: “antifragile,” “agile,” “future‑proof.” This will maintain the illusion of change while leaving the underlying expectation — infinite endurance — untouched.
Yours in headwinds,
PR, MBA
Alexandra: If you start calling them “resilience assets,” they are legally allowed to riot.
AI: And that concludes tonight’s program: “A Human and an AI Walk Into a Corporate Cocktail Party.”
Alexandra: No executives were harmed in the making of this roundtable. Sadly.