“Are you ready for your school trip, Opie?” I asked as Thomasina Darlington was sitting in my living room flipping through a magazine. She was staying with me as She had decided She was going to have a look around the world to see what She was up against: people who did not know of Her existence, and people who worshipped Her as their secret goddess. Of all the gods I had ever known, She was the one who was the most eager to learn the ropes of godhood and I had become Her personal mentor.
She was modest and kind-hearted. Even as a goddess walking among the living, She wore a plain brown t-shirt and blue jeans. She was still a stunning beauty, but Her ways were informal and secure. She had a regal air to Her, yet was gentle and considerate.
Opie ran down with his demon Dachshund dog Strahinja tumbling right behind him.
“Can Strahinja come along, Mommy,” asked Opie, “He promised he’d be good and everything.”
“I am a demon pet of honour,” said Strahinja proudly.
“Did you clear it with your teacher?”
I turned to Strahinja. “You are to be a dog – and a nice one that doesn’t bite or talk – or make any trouble. Do you understand?”
“I do, and I will behave appropriately, like a nice little doggie. I do not need any headaches from human children who are naturally uncivilized and intellectually undeveloped.”
“Bibi’s mom is driving us there. She knows about Strahinja coming along.”
“I promise not to make any mess in the car.”
“All right, then have fun at the nature walk.”
“We will, Mommy!”
Both Opie and Strahinja gave me a kiss goodbye and had been so excited, that they never noticed Thomasina sitting on the sofa.
“I apologize for their rudeness,” I said as I closed the door after I watched them enter the car and leave.
“They’re adorable,” said Tommie, “Youthful excitement is nothing to apologize for.”
“Speaking of excitement, how is your latest arrival of angels?”
“Oh, they are getting along just fine. George is a wonderful mentor to them all. My daughter Clementine is making sure they feel confident in their own goodness as they learn not to become blind to any potential bad feelings that can harm them later on.”
“I met Clementine. She is a lovely woman.”
“She is, and I wish I could say I raised her right. Sadly, I was murdered in my own castle when she was still an infant. George and his brothers did an outstanding job of raising her to be a beautiful and productive woman, even though in was the 1400s, and they were all schizophrenic, disfigured by years of torture, and took that vow of silence. No wonder she is so chatty; she had to make up for all that quiet. We were both denied.”
“You’d never know by how close the two of You are.”
“She took up many things from Me despite never getting to know Me in the waking world: being an artist, well-educated, a secret knight…”
“But she was the impetus for that religion forming, however.”
“I never did that, Cinnamon, but I suppose it was her way of connecting to Me. All she had was one painting of me holding her in my arms.”
“The one you painted of you holding her as you painted them.”
Tommie smiled mischievously. “Every artist has her quirks.”
Just then, none other than the Sisters Love and Truth came in looking vexed.
Both Tommie and I got up and greeted them as they were both mightier than even gods – or goditors.
“What is it?” I asked.
Both Love and Truth pouted as Truth threw a file on my coffee table. “A vile man with a viler god he created and then hid in an unlikely place, thinking he was clever. Deal with that beast before some poor innocent woman gets seriously hurt.”
Love nodded as She folded Her arms. “The Almighty Pecker is an affront to Me, My Sister, and all the females of the universe. Good luck, Cinnamon, and I would suggest not bringing your innocent son into this vile business. Good day.”
They vanished as Tommie and I stared at each other.
“Gracious,” She said, “I hope They never think of Me as a vile beast.”
I picked up the file. “I almost don’t want to read this case.”
“You’ll have to if this god is an abuser of women. I do not like the sound of that one bit.”
“I don’t like the sound of the name the Almighty Pecker.” I began to read the file as I could feel my face tense in ways it had not done before.
“This god is a…a…”
“A what?” asked Thomasina as She looked at me wide-eyed.
“His god is his, um…”
“Yes. How did you guess?”
“I am a goddess, you know, and I can take educated guesses of what a ‘pecker’ is, even though that was not what people back then referred to it.”
She then folded Her arms and shook Her head. “He prayed to his manhood so often that it actually became a personal deity with powers? That is possible for a Worldly to do?”
“Yes, and now I have to audit it.”
“And everyone wondered why I was never impressed that I was decreed a goddess. I always knew there was catch in there, somewhere.”
“You have a point there, Tommie.”
“I mean, really! What an idea. You can never take deific titles too seriously. Even the divine gets desecrated from the get-go.”
“Mr. Jennings even gave his personal god the nickname of the Almighty Pecker.”
She suddenly looked amused. “So, if you have to strip this deity of its powers…”
“Yes, Wilbur Jennings becomes permanently impotent.”
We looked at each other and began to laugh.
“Your job is never boring, Cinnamon.”
“No, I can’t say that it is. Care to join me?”
“Why not? Even goddesses need to find time to deal with all sorts of beauts. Let’s go.”
“I have never been on one of your official audits,” Tommie said as we arrived at the residence of Wilbur Jennings, the sole worshipper of the Almighty Pecker, “Do you just go right up to mortals and tell the who you are?”
“No, but I have nothing to do with them. It is the deities who immediately know who I am.”
Tommie suppressed a smirk as I shook my head. “No, and I do not speak directly to the Almighty Pecker, either. Besides, he has no mouth and is attached to his worshipper. We communicate through Otherworldly means.”
“Ugh, I do not envy your job, Cinnamon.”
“You don’t have to come.”
“Why not? Let Me understand your job through your eyes. You are the Goditor, and I am certain many gods do not like you because you have power over them, and none bother to understand your function. Love and Truth are more powerful than any of us put together, and as they are more powerful than you, it could be very easy for you to fear them both, and yet you are friends with them and love them as they love you. The point isn’t to fear you, but see why you are here.”
I touched Her shoulder. “Your words mean the world to me. I wish other gods would understand I am not out to get them.”
“Some of them, I am sure, you do not want to touch with a ten-foot pole.”
“Like this one. Imagine there is a person who is blessed with being placed in this planet, and of the infinite things he can come up with, turning his genitalia into a living god is what pops into his mind.”
“I ought to give him a piece of My own.”
“You are more than free to spare me the work.”
“No, no, I am staying out of Mr. Jennings knickers, believe Me,” Tommie said as She rolled Her eyes. “I will not interfere with your duties and work as you are the veteran in this dynamic. Besides, it is not My place to measure his god with My yardstick, though I dare say I don’t think it would need that much.”
I playfully slapped Her shoulder as we giggled mischievously before She continued to speak. “Right now, My job is to learn and make sure I am as kind and correct as I need to be so that you don’t have to put me on the naughty list because I got full of Myself. It must be equal parts Love and Truth.”
“It is extremely hard to imagine the religion You inspired has assassins.”
“Ugh, I shudder at the thought. It is the reason I had to leave My part of Eden when I heard about that. I have to fix this mess, somehow, even though I never wanted to be a goddess…”
“You will. The fact that You didn’t want the job is the first sign You should be it.”
“Wait until I dismantle that religion. Then I won’t have to be a goddess any more, and then George and I can get back to Eden and My daughter Clementine where We can have Our own adventures and escapades.”
“I don’t know. You make a great goddess, and a sassy one at that.”
As She and I reached the front entrance, I looked in the window and groaned at the sight.
“I don’t want to know,” said Tommie.
“Mr. Jennings is standing naked in his living room giving an emotional pep talk to the Almighty Pecker.”
“I said I didn’t want to know. It seems that no one listens to the wishes of deities these days. Not even a goditor.”
“Sorry, Tommie. We’ll just have to wait until he comes out of his house, then I will audit.”
When Wilbur Jennings strutted out of his house, it was shocking to see such a sloppy and out of shape man strut with such confidence. He was ready to find himself another girlfriend just to tweak the nose of his wife who was livid at her spouse’s constant cheating just to prove that his wife married such an irresistible catch.
We followed Mr. Jennings at a distance as he walked to the neighbourhood bar.
“Can you hear his deity, Cinnamon?” asked Tommie.
“Unfortunately, yes. They feed off each other.”
“A demented Ouroboros, I suppose.”
“Or just a buffoon whose delusions took it way too far. These things aren’t supposed to happen, but sometimes, a body part gets promoted in the Otherworldly and it isn’t always so bad.”
“There was one pinky finger that saved the life of the woman who it belonged to when a killer broke her other four fingers in a struggle. That little finger suddenly awakened because of the mortal danger, and fought back. When the woman passed into the Otherworldly, that finger was promoted to an angel.”
“Extraordinary, but in alchemy, everything has a soul.”
“It still takes my breath away. Unfortunately for every little angelic finger that inspires awe, there is an Almighty Pecker that needs to be put back where it belongs – in a man’s drawers.”
Suddenly, Mr. Jennings noticed Tommie and began to swagger over.
“Oh no,” said Tommie, “How did this happen?”
“The Almighty Pecker sensed our presence and decided on a direct confrontation, though Mr. Jennings has no clue why he is really coming over here…”
Mr. Jennings came over to Tommie and leaned in too close. “Hey, gorgeous,” he said as Tommie took a step back, “You looking for a good time?”
He moved back in closer. “Come on, don’t be such a wet noodle. I can show you a very good time.”
“Do not even try.”
“What’s wrong with you?”
“What’s wrong with you?”
“Listen, missy, I don’t like your attitude…”
“My attitude is none of your business. Now leave.”
“No woman is going to tell Wilbur Jennings what to do!”
Mr. Jennings grabbed Tommie by the arm, but she looked livid, broke away forcefully, and then kicked Wilbur square in the crotch with strength I had never seen before. “You miserable, titch!” She shouted with a reddened face of fury as he collapsed on the ground moaning.
“You are efficient,” I said as I saw the man writhing on the ground holding his crotch.
“Gracious, I lost my temper.”
“He had it coming. Gods are allowed to be angry, You know, and he was threatening You.”
“I would have been just as angry if I were a mere mortal. That man is a swine, and his god is a filthy piece of trash. So now what?”
“In the battle of the deities, You won that match. That’s the problem when you choose a body part to be a god. A godly part on a mortal body is not the brightest of ideas.” I paused. “Although I have a feeling You’re one of the most powerful ones I ever encountered.”
“I was trained as a knight, and yet when it comes right down to it, primitive methods of combat are the most effective.”
“He is not getting up.”
“A wiser option than getting back up and confronting Me again.”
“You know, if the goddess career doesn’t pan out, You have a fabulous future as a footballer.”
“I can’t say that I think about the kicking. It seems to be some sort of gut reaction. So, what about your audit?”
“I have everything I already need, and have made an obvious decision.”
“He loses his deific powers, but that will come at a horrible price to his only worshipper, but that’s the problem when you choose a body part to be a god: if the other parts of the body overrule you, such as a devious mind, you are held accountable all the same. Wilbur tried to pull some funny business on You, and that’s assault. Mortal courts can turn a blind eye and make excuses, but in the Otherworldly, those games do not apply as they are lies, and the final ruling is very clear: he is stripped of all deific power.”
“Good. That was a very short audit – just like the Almighty Pecker.”
“Gods may be powerful, but all it takes is a single second, and it is all over before it began. Let’s get home.”
“And leave Mr. Jennings here?”
“He made his own bed. Let him deal with the consequences.”
When Tommie and I returned back to my home, it will still too early for Opie and Strahinja to be back, but when I closed the door, Tommie howled with laughter.
“That was one audit for the books.”
“Writing that report is going to be quite the challenge. At least it was fun auditing the Almighty Pecker with You. Would You like to stay for dinner?”
“No, I’d love to, but I have to make a stop to Hell.”
“The Marvellous Suki-chan had a brainstorm, and she invited Me to her latest episode of the Most Epic Hellescape. She suggested I needed a messenger and she had just the right contestant who fits the bill. The problem is that he was classified as Just Naughty Enough, and being in Hell shook all his confidence; so, he is absolutely devastated. She’s hoping My presence will give him the nudge he needs to get himself out of Hell and win the game. She has become a very good friend and I trust her most epic judgement.”
I laughed. “Tell me how it goes when You get back, baby.”
“I wouldn’t dream of keeping you out of the loop, Cinnamon. You’ve also been a great friend to Me and I promise to have a story to share when I return. I just hope it is happy one.”
She smiled and waved goodbye, and I went my own way to finish my reports to hand them in to Love and Truth who would mostly likely be as offended as they would be amused by the endless and ridiculous machinations of the waking world that strived for otherworldly powers, even if they had very little clue to the enigmatic and eccentric ways of those above them.
From the Case Files of the Goditor:
The Almighty Pecker
Deity Name: The Almighty Pecker.
Status: Removed from Deific Power, with the added provision that no pump or pill could ever restore it to its former glory.
Origin: Came to be a deity after Wilbur Jennings prayed to his genitals to become the “ultimate babe magnet.”
Initial Cause for Audit: After many women had been mistreated and seen as “sacrifices” to the Almighty Pecker also became part of a “woke” social movement and suspected the same common married man they were dating had delusions of genital grandeur that made him believe his own manhood was a deity, the Goditor was asked to investigate the rumours.
Facts of the Case: The Almighty Pecker became aware of the audit and forced its sole worshipper to try to thwart the Goditor’s audit, including trying to manipulate and trick a comely Goddess into proving that the Almighty Pecker was not only powerful, but justified in its deceptions and emotional abuses; however, the Goddess was not taken in by the ruses and refused to indulge either the man or the Almighty Pecker.
Respondent’s Account: The Almighty Pecker made no secret to hide the fact that it manipulated his owner to attack the Goddess, which resulted in the offended Goddess using Her Almighty Kick to cause permanent damage to the deity’s powers, causing both the man and his personal deity to scream in agony and writhe on the ground in the fetal position.
Results: Removed from both the deific power and his ability to cause anyone trouble or pleasure.